Even the good 'girls' have bad days...

Today I was hijacked.  Emotionally that is.  Even the good 'girls' have bad days and wow - today I went from top of the world to bottom of the barrel.  I am crawling my way back.

Part of keeping things together for me is to ride a positive attitude.  Fake it until you feel it. When I am at my best, when someone asks me how I am - it is always an enthusiatic 'awesome' or 'excellent'. When I am not there, still projecting that I am 'awesome' or 'excellent' sets the platform for me to take next step forward being positive.

It is a challenging time right now.  One that I am game for but nonetheless challenging.  My nanny of the past two years who I rely on 100% for being another loving presence in my children's lives is moving away.  My 5 year old has been waking up through the night.  It is competitive dance season for my 6 year old.  I am late on my taxes. My husband is feeling neglected. I have just taken over a new team at work.  I have a huge conference at the end of the month that I am curating.  No stress, eh?

Needless to say, I am not emotionally or physically my best self right now and have set myself up as a target for being hijacked.  I am in the fake it until I feel it mode and have been generating positive endorphins and adrenaline to get me through the day.  The problem is, the more that I use my energy to fake it, the bigger the toll it takes.

I walked out of an energizing and productive meeting on a high.  I felt like things were going my way and everything would take care of itself.  And then it hit.  A resignation in my inbox.  A mistake on my invitation list. I'm okay... it'll work itself out.

Then, an unexpected turn in a meeting.  Being told it would have been nice if I would have kept them in the loop.  It would have been helpful if I would have copied them on an email. It would have been better if I communicated in their style and maybe they would have paid attention.

WHHHHHAAAAAA!  You are WRONG.  I did email you to keep them in the loop.  I did copy you on the email.  I did try to get you attention.  Oh - you don't seem to believe me.  Now I feel like I need to prove it to you? Here! Here is the email. Look! Your name is right here.

Defensive, emotional, shattered.  500% to 80% to 0% in the course of an hour.  I am doing my best to be awesome and to think of everything and everyone and despite all of the extra effort and emotion I have poured into my work, it wasn't good enough for you.

On my best self days, I would sit back and coach.  I would help my colleague and share with them the information they needed. So what set me off today? Only logical that I fall back on the theory that I have taught ten times over in the past few months. Feedback is triggered based on:

• Relationship
• Truth
• Identity

No wonder I was emotionally hijacked!  So, my relationship with the feedback giver isn't solid. I feel like I still have to win them over. I am not sure I always agree with their approach and I haven't felt that we have truly connected.  If the feedback came from someone else, I may have let it roll.

Truth - no way was what they were saying true!  I did do everything they were asking for. Maybe not in the exact way that would have been tailored to their best way of receiving it but definitely did. And lastly, identity.  The feedback hit me right where I was insecure. I know what it is like to not be on top of things and I did try so hard to make sure that everyone felt included. It felt like they didn't know how much I cared that they felt like I was on their side.

Being emotionally hijacked is a troublesome place to be.  It played an effect on my following meetings and the people that I interacted with. I was more black and white.  Less willing to consider other opinions. Quick to judge. Probably behaved in a way that hijacked other peoples emotions. Vicious cycle, isn't it?

Time to bring things back in-line.

• Recognize when it is happening.  Yes, no choice there, the tears were proof.
• Force your thinking into logic and problem solving.  In my next meeting, once I stopped putting up roadblocks and got into solving, things started coming back into focus.
• Think about something that gives me joy. This one didn't work for me this time, but often does.
• Share.  Yup, with you and I am starting to gain some amazing perspective.

So what next?  What could I have done differently?  If I had my time back, the few things I would have done differently:

• Gone for a walk by myself. Talking myself through what happened would have given me perspective.
• Breathe. Take the time I needed before I felt the need to defend myself.
• Believe. That the feedback giver's intentions were pure and good and not meant to be an attack.
• Ask questions. Put myself in their shoes, be empathetic, understand better how I could help them.

And, take better care of myself. Get more sleep.  Go for a run. Prioritize the invite from my friend on an intro Boxing class on Saturday. Give my husband a hug and stay thank you for hanging in for me!

With all things, time heals and provides perspective. I will live to have another awesome day. I believe it will be tomorrow. It is okay to have a moment that isn't perfect. That in itself is the beauty of life ;)

Four Years Later...

If you read any of my previous posts, you will realize, like so many others, that I blog like I do most things in life, I start like a 'bat outta hell', make some valiant attempts at consistency and then fade into the sunset like that pile of donation clothing sitting in the corner of my hallway.

Darn, way back then when I started this post, I was crafty! I was determined to be that person - the one who had it all together - the one that was perfect. Where I failed was that I also wanted to be authentic and truly share what I felt.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) identified and caught before committed! How could I question my desire to work, my inability to juggle everything and my imperfections and still be seen as someone a company would want to invest in as a senior professional? Nope, I had to say things like, no - I am good to travel 50% of the time across Asia. My 'helper' (as nannies are referred to in Singapore) takes care of the kids and puts them to bed if I am not home on time. I found that I was automatically self editing my thoughts because I still cared too much about what everyone thought of me, despite that it was killing my soul.

Well, the best thing about hitting your mid-forties is that it just doesn't matter as much now. I have a great role in a company that pushes me hard but that I think I can push back when needed. I have two amazing girls that I don't spend nearly enough time 100% present in their company. I have a loving husband who does more than his fair share of the laundry, kids duties and pushes me to go to sleep and exercise (I don't listen as much as I should).

So, that means, I am back and my objective of this post is to share with others what it is like to be a working mom. And in return, I would love to understand how you cope and manage your own success on your terms.

Looking forward to meeting you!

M

Taking control of what I can control...

Michelle Gorman's 3 step process to Awesomeness...

1)  Set a Goal
2)  Act the Part
3)  Achieve the Goal

Okay, so a bit silly alright.  But, it is something that makes sense when caught between chaos and uncertainty.

I have always been driven by goals.  In school, it was the next project, test, grade, etc.  In fact, after graduating, like so many others, working surprised me when it no longer seemed like a goal - rather "oh my god, am I going to do this the rest of my life".  It took me a little while to get it, but once I established my own goals and milestones at work, I was back off to the races, motivated and success soon followed.

Since 'getting a job' is a goal... yet with factors out of my control (i.e. finding the right job and being the right candidate), I have decided to create a goal that I can manage and achieve within my own mental and physical abilities.

BINTAN TRIATHLON - May 26th, 2012.  I have dabbled in triathlons, did a couple of Try-A-Tri's before my beautiful babes but so far, even a Sprint Distance Triathlon has intimidated me.  750 m swim, 20 km bike and 5 km run.  Hah!  If I don't drown, crash my bike or just plain old die running - I should be able to complete it.

So, now that the money is paid - my motivation is in place, a gentle reminder on my credit card not to waste this opportunity.

NOW - Act the part.  A few years ago, my husband gave me a necklace with the image of a girl running on it.  It was one of those gifts that I've always resented (sorry sweetie).  I know it was a freebie or mistake included in a shipment from a biking order my husband placed.  Instead of giving it to me directly, he included it as part of my birthday present.  So, am I really that shallow to let it bother me - well, maybe.  The deep down problem is that I am not a runner.  I don't think of myself as one, nor do I like running.  But, I run.

After I signed up for the triathlon, I dug the necklace out of the bottom of my jewellry box and put it on.  I kept looking at it in the mirror and thinking, I shouldn't wear this, I am not a runner, who am I fooling.  But the reality is, I may not be a runner but I love the benefits of running and I need to run to accomplish my goal (triathlon) which I am very motivated to do.  So, now, every time I look in the mirror, I see Michelle - the woman who runs in order to reach her goals and I am proud.  Just ask me in 4 months how I did on my tri...

Now, to the professional side, my goal is to find a stimulating engagement that challenges my brain, gets me socially interactive with like minded driven people and sure, get compensated for it.  WORK.

My goal - get a job.  My act the part - dress for success, network with inspiring people and thank those who are amazing to connect me, and be me - at all costs.

My achievement - keep posted.  I am so excited with the meetings and connections that I have made and have pending that I know my enthusiasm will drive the SUPER ME and it will just be a matter of time before something ABSOLUTELY AMAZING falls into place.

A Cardinal Sin and Getting My MOJO Back

So, when I started this inspiration to write about my journey and discover around being a Working Mom (or not), I knew that one of the most critical points for success was that I needed to be consistent about posting.  And here I am over a month since my last post.  Forgive me Google for I have sinned...

I know if I had been working, none of these excuses would have been valid because I would have had to push through everything anyways getting kids to daycare and getting to work.  My main excuse would be that I no longer have 'TIME'.  But my excuse today is, we travelled back to Canada, dealt with 12.5 hours jetlag two ways, with sick kids to boot on the 28 hours of travel time back to Singapore (3 flights!).  So, given that we slept through New Years, I have now adopted Chinese New Year as my new fresh start.  Clean out the cobwebs and celebrate!

I was shocked at how much confidence I have lost in myself over the past 6 months since I have moved here.  I know when I arrived, I was ready to kick butt on getting settled, meet new people, help out my old job and get a new one.  But that drive has somehow turned to survival, and survival it has been.

The choice to be a "SAHM" (Stay at Home Mom) is a valiant one.  Aside from the deep love for your children (that we all have), it is a drive to create a life experience for your children at home.  It is a gift and a skill and by no means an opt-out of the working world.  I think for many, it may start out as such - so many people are uninspired in their jobs that the opportunity to be a SAHM is like a the white light at the end of a dark tunnel.  And for some, that light turns out to be a beautiful sunny playground.  But, for a few others, that light might have well been a train.

My identity over the past 20 years has been a working professional.  I have been committed to my work causes and passionate about my company, teams, colleagues and clients.  Becoming a working mom after my first daughter in 2009, I was all of that and also a mom - "SUPERWOMAN!" as I strived to be.  There is no doubt that the stress of being a great mom, wife, friend, employee, leader and community participant was great, almost too great but never did I expect that the stress of not having that definition would be worse.  Maybe it is stress, maybe a bit of depression but I know longer know how to feel AWESOME about myself.  It just seems that I don't have what it takes to be "SUPERMOM".

It is definitely time to get my MOJO, in a real way.  Despite putting 150% into a couple of job pursuits, nothing has come to fruition so I am looking at some contracts and volunteer opportunities to get me out of the house.  Maybe I will then be able to validate that I really want to be a working mom with an contract opt out at the end :)

I will also continue my research on Working Mom's.  My goal is to start publishing my feature articles in March!

Gōng Xǐ Fā Cái.  Congratulations and Prosperity.  The Year of the Dragon comes about once of twelve years. This year is considered the year of luck because the a part of the Chinese Dragon meaning is good fortune in the areas of health, wealth and living a long, prosperous life. It is believed that anyone who holds an emblem of this divine mythical animal will be protected and safe.

This is my year!

Calling all Moms...

Working or not.  If you are interested in being interviewed on your views about being a working mom.

I am looking for a minimum of 10 women to interview as part of a series on being a working mom (or not).  Please email me your interest to theoryofaworkingmom@gmail.com.

In particular, I will be looking for a mix of women who:

1)  Elect to work although have the means to stay at home.
2)  Have to work because they don't have the means to stay at home (and wish they could).
3)  Elect to stay at home.
4)  Are self employed to work from home.

Although I suspect my connections will provide me with women from Canada and Singapore, I would like this to be as geographically, culturally and economically diverse as possible.

In addition, I'd love to have a mix of industries from social care (health, education, etc.) to business professionals to technicians.

Looking forward to sharing the stories of the women who struggle with balancing home and work, finance and family, self fulfilment, guilt and hope.

Michelle

How to get a job in a new...

country, industry, position, organization?

RESEARCH.  PREPARATION.  CONFIDENCE.

As I have started my pursuit of employment in a new country, I have been told several times by companies, recruiters and colleagues that I will have a tough time finding work because I do not have any experience in the AsiaPac market.  Hmmm, considering the extraordinary number of expat business people in the region, I find this quite amusing - and of course, an immediate challenge.

I am sure that most of the top performers that companies have spent multiples of salary to relocate to the region have had little experience in the market as well.  (Including the expat potential employers who are sitting across the table from me giving me this advice!)  What these expats do bring is expertise in their field and the ability to affect change through a new lens.

Now what I have to do, as a prospect, is find ways to connect my depth of experience to the positions at hand.  I need to figure out the objections to my lack of market knowledge before they arise.  No different than selling a product - just this time, the product is me! And this applies to any job, company, industry, market, etc.

1.  Do your research.  If you want it bad enough, you will make the time to figure things out.  In my case, this means a lot of time on the computer figuring out the leading influencers and information resources in the area. Marketing associations, IT publications, business think tanks and credible news sources.  Knowing the top 5 trends, figuring out the current newsworthy story, and understanding the players will go a lot further than just surfing the companies website.

2.  Preparation.  Today, I spent the morning going line by line through a job posting.  I listed out my qualitative and quantitative attributes to support my fit for the role.  I have my working examples, references and sample work all ready.  I have listed out the negatives, where I have gaps (I definitely don't speak Mandarin so that is not an asset for me!) but also how I will overcome the gaps or how I will work around them.  I have noted questions on requirements that I don't understand.  I feel prepared for my interview and also confident that so far, on paper, I am a great fit for the role.

3.  Confidence.  My absolutely best asset.  One of my most enlightening moments of my career was when I realized that I don't have to be anyone but myself.  In an interview, a business meeting, as a manager or at home.  Just me.  With all of the good, the bad and the interesting - that's what I bring to the table.  And the reality is that there is a job out there that fits me.  It will have some good, some bad and it will be interesting - to me.  If I am trying too hard to fit into a job or convince a potential boss to hire me - it probably isn't the right job for me.  When it fits in an interview - it will fit on the job and I will be fulfilled at work and feel right in my own skin because I am not trying to be someone I am not.

If you are looking for (or have found) a new job, a new company, a new market - let me know how you were successful.

My brain is like an Elite Athlete...

... in the sense that since I have stopped using my business skills, my brain muscle has turned to flab.  After one year on mat leave, I have lost the ability to remember phone numbers (if my husband wasn't on speed dial, I don't think I'd be able to get in touch with him), names or even that fact that I had a pot on the stove.

Is it day after day of babbling to my baby and answering "Why Mommy?" with 'because it is" or "why do you think the Wiggles are dancing?" to my toddler or is it just the pure lack of sleep between teething, potty training and  kiddy nightmares that has caused the attrition?  Or maybe, it is just because I am now 40 and I am destined to not only mommy brain, but progressive memory loss as well.

So, as I start interviewing again, my inability to recall names of bosses, theories of operations and generally just make sense is sure to be a detriment.

My solution? - become a working mom without the work.  Getting a job is work, so why am I not treating it so?  It is time to start getting up in the morning, dressing for success, shuffling the kids off to school and a caregivers and going to work.  This week, it means two mornings I am working at getting a new job aside from the frantic midnight responses to recruiters emails.

I will be reading and reviewing industry postings, searching job boards and contacting anyone in my LinkedIn network who possibly can open a door.  Maybe with a little 'training' my brain will start getting back into shape.  I think it will be a while yet before I feel that I am back in the 'show', but rehab for anyone takes baby steps!